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US Congress member John Shimkus (R – IL) is now pursuing the chair of the US House of Representatives Energy and Commerce Committee. But that’s just politics and energy and the kind boring stuff that flashes by on C-SPAN as I dance between Fox News and MTV. Who needs that?

I’m here to talk about something truly important. I’d like to set your mind at ease about some disturbing news you might have heard in the liberal media recently.

It seems that a group of wack-job, liberal scientists want to deny you your God-given right to burn gasoline (And coal. And natural gas. And garbage. And lots of other stuff whose burning is basically apple-pie-level American and therefore smiled upon by the Almighty).

These scientists (who are types known to associate with one N. Pelosi) have fired up their Bunsen burners, drawn a gaggle of charts, and assembled books full of liberal facts. Once they shook their ponytails out of their way, they went on to manipulate these “facts” to suggest that when we burn fossil fuels, we create gases with made-up, liberal names like carbon dioxide.

I wish I could tell you this is the end of their liberal, flag-burning, scientific conspiracy. It is not.

You see, these liberal (and possibly gay!) scientists go on to tell us that now accumulating in the atmosphere are high levels of carbon dioxide and other (also liberal) heat-trapping gases generated as by-products of our wholesome and divinely endorsed American lives. And get this: according to this unproven, totally speculative, liberal theory, these heat-trapping gases are (you guessed it!) trapping heat.

Here’s the worst part: the liberal scientists have reviewed liberal data from all around the world (a world these scientists insist is globe-shaped), and they’ve concluded that our world’s temperature is slowly rising in a way that will change weather, threaten economies, create deserts (and not the tasty kind like Jello), disrupt our food supply, and utterly change life on the endless plain we call earth.

So when they’re not smoking pot or serving on Obama’s socialist death panels, these liberal scientists suggest that human activity is changing our world’s climate. Scary, huh?

But worry not, real Americans, because in comes Representative John Shimkus to rescue you from the special interest agenda of the liberal, scientific establishment.

John Shimkus* has news for the 97% of patchouli-scented, twirly-dancing, hacky-sack-playing climate scientists who’ve devoted their careers to understanding the way weather works on our whatever-shaped planet and who’ve also agreed that our fossil fuel consumption is paving the way for catastrophic climate change.

And that news? Noah. That’s right, Noah – the righteous dude with the beard and the boatload of critters.

You see, John Shimkus read the Bible, i.e. the literal** and immutable word of God, and he discovered right there in Gen 8:21 that, after flooding the earth (and pretty thoroughly smiting its inhabitants), God pledged to Noah that He would never flood it*** again.

(That sound you hear is me breathing a Guinness-book sigh of relief that liberal science has been proven wrong once again.)

Representative John Shimkus, thank you for summoning the courage to bring theology back to its rightful and appropriate place: our nation’s energy policy discussion. These liberal scientists and their liberal facts were really starting to bum me out.****

May your tenure as chair of the Energy and Commerce Committee be long and, like, totally unsmiteworthy.

______

US Congress member John Shimkus (R – IL) is now pursuing the chair of the US House of Representatives Energy and Commerce Committee.  But that’s just politics and energy and the kind boring stuff that flashes by on C-SPAN as I dance between Fox News and MTV.  Who needs that?

I’m here to talk about something truly important.  I’d like to set your mind at ease about some disturbing news you might have heard in the liberal media recently.

It seems that a group of wack-job, liberal scientists want to deny you your God-given right to burn gasoline (And coal.  And natural gas.  And garbage.  And lots of other stuff whose burning is basically apple-pie-level American and therefore smiled upon by the Almighty).

These scientists (who are types known to associate with one N. Pelosi) have fired up their Bunsen burners, drawn a gaggle of charts, and assembled books full of liberal facts.  Once they shook their ponytails out of their way, they went on to manipulate these “facts” to suggest that when we burn fossil fuels, we create gases with made-up, liberal names like carbon dioxide.

I wish I could tell you this is the end of their liberal, flag-burning, scientific conspiracy.  It is not.

You see, these liberal (and possibly gay!) scientists go on to tell us that now accumulating in the atmosphere are high levels of carbon dioxide and other (also liberal) heat-trapping gases generated as by-products of our wholesome and divinely endorsed American lives.  And get this:  according to this unproven, totally speculative, liberal theory, these heat-trapping gases are (you guessed it!) trapping heat.

Here’s the worst part:  the liberal scientists have reviewed liberal data from all around the world (a world these scientists insist is globe-shaped), and they’ve concluded that our world’s temperature is slowly rising in a way that will change weather, threaten economies, create deserts (and not the tasty kind like Jello), disrupt our food supply, and utterly change life on the endless plain we call earth.

So when they’re not smoking pot or serving on Obama’s socialist death panels, these liberal scientists suggest that human activity is changing our world’s climate.  Scary, huh?

But worry not, real Americans, because in comes Representative John Shimkus to rescue you from the special interest agenda of the liberal, scientific establishment.

John Shimkus* has news for the 97% of patchouli-scented, twirly-dancing, hacky-sack-playing climate scientists who’ve devoted their careers to understanding the way weather works on our whatever-shaped planet and who’ve also agreed that our fossil fuel consumption is paving the way for catastrophic climate change.

And that news?  Noah.  That’s right, Noah – the righteous dude with the beard and the boatload of critters.

You see, John Shimkus read the Bible, i.e. the literal** and immutable word of God, and he discovered right there in Gen 8:21 that, after flooding the earth (and pretty thoroughly smiting its inhabitants), God pledged to Noah that He would never flood it*** again.

(That sound you hear is me breathing a Guinness-book sigh of relief that liberal science has been proven wrong once again.)

Representative John Shimkus, thank you for summoning the courage to bring theology back to its rightful and appropriate place:  our nation’s energy policy discussion.  These liberal scientists and their liberal facts were really starting to bum me out.****

May your tenure as chair of the Energy and Commerce Committee be long and, like, totally unsmiteworthy.

___________________________

* Which, you’ve got to admit, is a fun name to say.

** Literal, but translated (because God used to write in Greek or some other hard-to-read language).

*** “It” being the earth that He made in six days (about six thousand years ago).

**** Don’t get me wrong, I agree there’s a place for science.  And that place is the public school classrooms we have destroyed with neglect and lack of funds.US Congress member John Shimkus (R – IL) is now pursuing the chair of the US House of Representatives Energy and Commerce Committee.  But that’s just politics and energy and the kind boring stuff that flashes by on C-SPAN as I dance between Fox News and MTV.  Who needs that?

I’m here to talk about something truly important.  I’d like to set your mind at ease about some disturbing news you might have heard in the liberal media recently.

It seems that a group of wack-job, liberal scientists want to deny you your God-given right to burn gasoline (And coal.  And natural gas.  And garbage.  And lots of other stuff whose burning is basically apple-pie-level American and therefore smiled upon by the Almighty).

These scientists (who are types known to associate with one N. Pelosi) have fired up their Bunsen burners, drawn a gaggle of charts, and assembled books full of liberal facts.  Once they shook their ponytails out of their way, they went on to manipulate these “facts” to suggest that when we burn fossil fuels, we create gases with made-up, liberal names like carbon dioxide.

I wish I could tell you this is the end of their liberal, flag-burning, scientific conspiracy.  It is not.

You see, these liberal (and possibly gay!) scientists go on to tell us that now accumulating in the atmosphere are high levels of carbon dioxide and other (also liberal) heat-trapping gases generated as by-products of our wholesome and divinely endorsed American lives.  And get this:  according to this unproven, totally speculative, liberal theory, these heat-trapping gases are (you guessed it!) trapping heat.

Here’s the worst part:  the liberal scientists have reviewed liberal data from all around the world (a world these scientists insist is globe-shaped), and they’ve concluded that our world’s temperature is slowly rising in a way that will change weather, threaten economies, create deserts (and not the tasty kind like Jello), disrupt our food supply, and utterly change life on the endless plain we call earth.

So when they’re not smoking pot or serving on Obama’s socialist death panels, these liberal scientists suggest that human activity is changing our world’s climate.  Scary, huh?

But worry not, real Americans, because in comes Representative John Shimkus to rescue you from the special interest agenda of the liberal, scientific establishment.

John Shimkus* has news for the 97% of patchouli-scented, twirly-dancing, hacky-sack-playing climate scientists who’ve devoted their careers to understanding the way weather works on our whatever-shaped planet and who’ve also agreed that our fossil fuel consumption is paving the way for catastrophic climate change.

And that news?  Noah.  That’s right, Noah – the righteous dude with the beard and the boatload of critters.

You see, John Shimkus read the Bible, i.e. the literal** and immutable word of God, and he discovered right there in Gen 8:21 that, after flooding the earth (and pretty thoroughly smiting its inhabitants), God pledged to Noah that He would never flood it*** again.

(That sound you hear is me breathing a Guinness-book sigh of relief that liberal science has been proven wrong once again.)

Representative John Shimkus, thank you for summoning the courage to bring theology back to its rightful and appropriate place:  our nation’s energy policy discussion.  These liberal scientists and their liberal facts were really starting to bum me out.****

May your tenure as chair of the Energy and Commerce Committee be long and, like, totally unsmiteworthy.

___________________________

* Which, you’ve got to admit, is a fun name to say.

** Literal, but translated (because God used to write in Greek or some other hard-to-read language).

*** “It” being the earth that He made in six days (about six thousand years ago).

**** Don’t get me wrong, I agree there’s a place for science.  And that place is the public school classrooms we have destroyed with neglect and lack of funds.

_____________________

* Which, you’ve got to admit, is a fun name to say.

** Literal, but translated (because God used to write in Greek or some other hard-to-read language).

*** “It” being the earth that He made in six days (about six thousand years ago).

**** Don’t get me wrong, I agree there’s a place for science. And that place is the public school classrooms we have destroyed with neglect and lack of funds.