A Note from the You May Now Rest Easily Department
US Congress member John Shimkus (R – IL) is now pursuing the chair of the US House of Representatives Energy and Commerce Committee. But that’s just politics and energy and the kind boring stuff that flashes by on C-SPAN as I dance between Fox News and MTV. Who cares about that?
I’m here to tell you about something truly important. I’d like to set your mind at ease about some disturbing news you might recently have heard in the liberal media.
It seems that a group of wack-job, liberal scientists are conspiring to deny you your God-given right to burn gasoline (And coal. And natural gas. And garbage. And lots of other stuff whose burning is basically apple-pie-level American and therefore smiled upon by the Almighty).
These scientists (you know, the types who adorned their high school lockers with glamor shots of N. Pelosi) have fired up their Bunsen burners, drawn a gaggle of charts, and compiled books full of liberal “facts.” Then, after shaking their ponytails out of their way, they went on to manipulate these facts to suggest that when we burn fossil fuels, we create gases with made-up, liberal names like carbon dioxide.
I wish I could tell you this is the end of their liberal, flag-burning, scientific conspiracy. It is not.
You see, these liberal (and possibly gay!) scientists go on to tell us that now accumulating in the atmosphere are high levels of carbon dioxide and other (also liberal) heat-trapping gases generated as by-products of our wholesome and divinely endorsed American lives. And according to this unproven, totally speculative, liberal theory, these heat-trapping gases are (you guessed it!) trapping heat.
Now here’s the worst part: the liberal scientists have reviewed liberal data from all around the world (a world these scientists insist is globe-shaped), and they’ve concluded that, by burning the massive amounts of fossil fuels that are our birthright to burn, we are slowly raising the world’s temperature in a way that will alter weather, threaten economies, create deserts (and not the tasty kind like Jello), disrupt our food supply, and utterly change life on the endless plane we call earth.
So when they’re not smoking pot or serving on Obama’s socialist death panels, these liberal scientists suggest that human activity is changing our world’s climate. Scary, huh?
But worry not, real Americans, because here comes Representative John Shimkus to rescue you from the special interest agenda of the liberal, scientific establishment.
John Shimkus* has news for the 97% of patchouli-scented, twirly-dancing, hacky-sack-playing climate scientists who’ve devoted their careers to understanding the way weather works on our whatever-shaped planet and who’ve agreed that our fossil fuel consumption is paving the way for catastrophic climate change.**
And that news? Noah. That’s right, Noah – the righteous dude with the beard and the boatload of critters.
You see, John Shimkus read the Bible, i.e. the literal*** and immutable word of God, and he discovered right there in Gen 8:21 that, after flooding the earth (and pretty thoroughly smiting its inhabitants), God pledged to Noah that He would never flood it**** again.
(That sound you hear is me uttering a Terry McMillan-scale sigh of relief that liberal science has been debunked once again.)
Representative John Shimkus, thank you for summoning the courage to bring theology back to its rightful and appropriate place: our nation’s energy policy discussion. These liberal scientists and their liberal facts were really starting to bum me out.*****
May your tenure as chair of the Energy and Commerce Committee be long and, like, totally unsmiteworthy.
* Which, you’ve got to admit, is a fun name to say.
** But bear in mind, Americans: the proponents of this unproven, faith-based theory represent only a statistically irrelevant 97% of the experts on the subject.
*** Literal, but translated (because God used to write in Greek or some other hard-to-read language).
**** “It” being the earth that He made in six days (about six thousand years ago).
***** Don’t get me wrong, I agree that science has its proper place. And that place is the public school classrooms we have destroyed with neglect and lack of funds.